You Suck: A Love Story Chapter 9~10

Chapter NineIts standardized Time Travel, Only You know, SlowerTHE CHRONICLES OF ABBY recipeTortured Victim of the Daylight DwellersSo here I am again, to open my veins and spill my pain onto your pages. My dark friend, after sixteen prospicient conviction of on the whole boring exis tennerce, I perplex to you at finale with a glimmer of hope to break by dint of the gloomth that is my miserable flavour. OMG I boast entrap him Or I should say, he has found me.Thats right, my Dark manufacturing business has found me. A for-real vampyre. He is c t emerge ensembleed the vampyre flush, and he didnt say, exactly I look at he is descended from European royalty a viscount or a rabbet or adept of those.I was in Walgreens with Jared when we saw him and OMFG hes so hot, in a tot every(prenominal)y stealth port. I would arrive aspect he was fitting a totally mainstream geek or whateverthing, with his flannel garb and jeans, scarce he asked us to the highest degree(pred icate) buying syringes and I totally saw his fangs come out. So, I was uniform, I send a right smart hook you up with my dealer, like that, and on that pointfore he looked at my T-shirt and saw Byrons cinema on it and he quoted She Walks in Beauty, which is like my favorite poem following to the one by Baudelaire about his young ladyfriend being nothing still worm food, except that Lily called that one first because Baudelaire is her fave poet and so she got the shirt with him on it, even though Byron is way much scrumptious and I would do him on sharp gravel if I had the chance.So I went fire office and changed my clothes and fixed my confuseup, and when we got to Glas Kat we breezed by the door like we were 25 or any(prenominal)(prenominal)thing. Jared made our IDs himself at Kinkos and we both look so ripe in our pictures, although I think he overdid it with the must(prenominal)ache. Anyway, we were there like ten minutes, and this song came on that I really like Boning You in the Ossuary, by Dead Can Dub which is so cool and macabre. And I act to apprehend Jared to dance, scarce this guy rope comes by and grabs Jareds cape and says, Blacks fade a great deal? and that was it. Jared went into a level- atomic fleck 23 freak-out, and rancid into a total fuckwit, trying to get me to report him and stuff, and then vindicatory aphorism he couldnt take it eithermore and he had to go home and redye right then. So he abandoned me to the dank loneliness that is the night and I bought a bottle of water and some chips and got ready to grieve my lost youth, when HE showed up. OMGCheck it, he actually knew Byron and Shelley He used to companionship with them in Switzerland when they were all young. They all did laudanum and read ghost stories and stuff, and then they actually invented Goth, right there in this villa on some lake. He is like THE SOURCE He took me for hot chocolate and I motiveed to give myself to him right there in Starbu cks. Lily will be totally jealous.So he give tongue to I use up to wait. He is connected to some ancient Celtic vampire countess and Im suppose to find them an apartment in the morning. He even gave me the name of a rental agent to call and a big wad of cash. I dumbfound to prove myself worthy of his trust, otherwise theres like no way hell bestow the dark gift on me, and Ill totally stir to eat my sophomore year and probably end up in junior-grade college or working at Old Navy or something.So, since were slay for Christmas break, Im dismissal to call this woman and go find an apartment for the vampyre inundate and the Celtic vampyre countess. And when Flood rises from the grave at sunset, I will get my reward.Im totally freaked about meeting the Celtic vampyre countess. Flood says she has a temper. What if she hates me? Flood says hes not really into her its not like that. Its like, shes his vampyre sire, and theyve been together for like five hundred years, so, you kno w, they have history, and I can respect that.Note chance upon sure to find out if I need to move their subjective soil to the new apartment onwards we move their c mangleins.Note Do I need to have a coffin made? Is it alright if its purple?Oh yeah, my sister Ronnie has head lice.Chapter TenRed, White, and patrician, Not Necessarily in That OrderSnow White, thought bluish.With the seven to look after me, and me them, I could be moreover like Snow White. Granted, the Animals werent exactly dwarves, Jeff Murray, the ex-high-school-basketball star was at least six five, and Drew, their resident pharmacologist, was pretty close to that height, however she wasnt exactly Snow White either. S savings bank, they were all assortment to her, considerate, and basically respectful of her, indoors their limits as a bunch of pot-head punani hounds. They did butt againstm to have a passable work ethic, were loyal, didnt fight among themselves, and were relatively clean, as guys this ag e went.In a few days, shed have the rest of their money, she knew it, and they knew it, but then what? It was a short ton of money, to be sure, but it wasnt fuck-you money. (Defined as having so much money that you can say fuck you to anyone, anywhere, anytime, and not have to worry about the consequences.) Shed have to find something to do, somewhere to go. As the possibility of her getting out of the lifetime finally loomed large, she realized that she was going to need a new life to live, and frankly, it was scaring the hell out of her. Time isnt figure to a girlfriend animation on her looks, and shed already extended her sell-by date by going blue, but what now? Who knew that the future shed been hoping for would show up with such sharp teeth. So Blue asked herself the questionCan a fallen Cheddar princess of raw Du Lac make a life with seven perpetually adolescent party animals from the Bay argona? Maybe it could happen, but she had her misgivings about dwarf number seven Clint.In her experience, it took a lot of work to fuck the savior out of a guy, and even then, he was prone to come smoothen with a bad case of the guilts a day or two later. Not really a problem when you were working outcall, but if you were going to high-ho a whole pack of dwarves on a semipermanent basis, one of them having a high-maintenance, holy-ghost haunting was going to be a problem.Whore of Babylon, Clint utter as the Animals led her into the Safeway like they were presenting her at the palace.She paused in the automatic doors, condescension the fact that she felt like she was turning blue under her blue, get rig outed as she was in a silver lam minidress and six-inch clear Lucite heels, none of it protecting her from the frigid wind coming off the Bay, whipping through the Marina Safeway parking lot. Thinking shed probably spend most(prenominal) of her time naked, she hadnt jam-packed for San Francisco weather.Ive never even been to Babylon, she said. exclusivel y Im open to new experiences. She licked her lips and stepped to where her breasts were inwardly an inch of Clints chest.He off and bolted to the bureau, chanting, Get thee nooky me, get thee behind me, get thee behind me, the whole way.However you want it, baby, said Blue. She resolute shed think of him as Freaked, the paranoid dwarf.Barry will show you to the break room, gash said. Hed become the new leader of the Animals, mainly because he tended to be the most sober. Jeff, send the limo pole and lock the doors. Drew, make some coffee. Gustavo, see what the situation is on the floors. We may need you to throw stock on the shelves.They stood there, looking at him. Stoned. Drunk. Baffled. Blue would think of Barry, the little, prematurely bald guy, as her special dwarf, Baffled. She smiled.Clint peeked over the three-quarter wall of the office. Hey, you guys. You should know that the Emperor was here last night. He says that Tommy Flood is a vampire.Huh? remonstrate said.Hes a vampire. That girl of his, she didnt bring home the bacon t proclaim. She changed him.Get the fuck outta here, said Jeff.Clint nodded furiously. Its true.Well, fuck, said the others, in an unsynchronized chorus.Meeting, whiplash announced. Gentlemen, take your seats. He looked apologetically to Blue. This shouldnt take long.Ill make coffee, she said.Uh shell seemed concerned. Blue, were kind of on a budget from here on out.Coffees free, Blue said. She turned and issueed heading to the back of the store. Ill find it.The Animals watched Blue walk away and, when she turned the coign, gathered by the registers. Clint unlocked the office door and came out. So, we have to send away those cops, so they can help us hunt him d bear.Lash looked at the Animals, who looked back. Lash raised an eyebrow. The others nodded. Lash put his arm almost Clints shoulders. Clint, the guys and I have discussed it, and wed all like to do something for you.Clint ran back in the office and slammed t he door. No We have to destroy the agents of Satan.Right. Of course. Well get right on that. plainly first Id like you to ask yourself something, Clint. And Id like you to answer not as the born-again man that you are now, but from that little boy thats within of all of us.Okay, Clint said, peeking over the office door.Clint, havent you ever cute to bone a Smurf?Jody heard Tommy come in the security door d take instairs and met him on the stairs with a big hug and a backbreaking kiss.Wow, Tommy said.Are you okay?Im really easy layd now. I was just checking on William. I think he pooped himself.Im so sorry, Tommy. I shouldnt have left you on your own this soon.Its okay. Im okay. Hey, you have something on your dress.Jody was still wearing the little black-market dress. Some of the dust that was James OMally was still clinging to it near the hemline. Oh, I must have bumped up against something.Let me get that for you, Tommy said, brushing at her thigh, then starting to raise the dress up past her waist.Jody caught his hand. HorndogChet the huge groom cat looked up for a second, then put his head back down on Williams chest and went back to sleep. simply you left me on my own, Tommy said, trying to sound sad, but smiling too much to make it work.Youre fine. She looked at her watch. We merely have about forty minutes till sunup. We can talk while we get ready for sock.Im ready for bed now, Tommy said.She led him up the stairs into the loft, through the great room, the bedroom, and into the bathroom. She grabbed her toothbrush off the sink and tossed Tommy his. She pasted, then chucked the tube to him.Do we still have to floss? Tommy asked. I recollect, whats the point of being immortal if we have to floss?Yeah, Jody said, through a mouthful of pinkish spark, you should just go lie in the sun and get it over with, rather than suffer the torture of flossing.Dont be sarcastic. I didnt think we could get sick at all, but your hubbub proved that to be wrong .Jody nodded and spit. Dont swallow any when you rinse. The water will come right back up.How come your foam is pink? My foam isnt pink. And I went last.My gums might be bleeding, Jody said.Jody wasnt ready to range him that shed taken someone tonight. She would tell him, just not now. So, to change the subject, she summoned her superhuman strength and knickerbockersed him.HeyWhen did you get skull-and-crossbones trunks?I bought them tonight, when you were getting Christmas presents. I thought they would seem dangerous.You bet, Jody said, nodding furiously to keep from laughing. And youll blend in in case youre ever caught with your pants down in the pirate locker room.Yeah, theres that, Tommy said, a little toothpaste foam dribbling down his chest as he looked at his boxers. I have the whitest legs in the universe. My legs are like great white carrion worms.Stop, youre making me horny.Ive got to use that tanning coating we bought. Where is it?Jody moved with catlike speed out to the kitchen, snatched the lotion off the counter, and was back sitting on the edge of the bed in only a couple of seconds. If she could just keep Tommy from asking any questions until sunup, she was sure shed figure out a way to tell him about the old man. Come over here, worm legs, allow me put some lotion on you. To emphasize her commitment to lotionization, she stood, pulled the straps of her dress off her shoulders, and let it fall to the floor at her feet. She stepped out of her dress and stood there, in just her pumps and a silver necklace with a tiny heart that he had attached her.Tommy hopped out of the bathroom his pants still around his ankles one long hop, and he stood in front of her. Jody smiled. Give a geek transcendental agility and speed, and what you get is a superagile, speedy geek.You went out commando, in that dress?Never again, Jody said, grabbing the waistband of his boxers and pulling him toward her. These are mine, now. I want to be dangerous.Thats so , so slutty, he said, lisping a little, his fangs coming out now.Yep. Where do you want to start with the lotion?He pulled her close and kissed her neck. We have to be careful not to break the furniture this time.Fuck it, less to move, she said, her own fangs coming out now. She raked them down his chest. If we figure out a way to get a place before someone kills us. Oh, yeah, I found us a minion, he said as she bit into his side and tore his boxers off in a single lively pull.What?But Tommy was finished talking for a while.Blue watched as the fat person rocketed by her and slammed into a triangle of two-liter soft-drink bottles the front bottle burst, sending a cola-brown eruption of foam across the floor by the meat case. achieve Barry yelled. He danced in a tight circle among the Animals, pointing and chanting, I own you, and you, and you, to each as he passed.Blue looked to Lash, and raised a atomic number 27 eyebrow.Lash shrugged. It happens. Thats why we use diet sal soda . Its not as sticky. He had decided that they all needed to sober up some more before they started stocking the shelves thus the turkey bowling.Can someone bring a mop? Clint said. Because he would not gamble, he was the designated pin setter. He was scrambling around trying to retrieve soda bottles even as Jeff Murray was warming up at the other end of the gangplank, swinging a Fosters Fresh icy Homestyle in each hand. He believed that he got bump pin satisfy off the Fosters because of the savory gravy packet stuffed in its center. He claimed that Fosters had get the hang superior poultry technology, and was, in fact, working on an oversized titanium turkey. The other Animals were forced to point out to him that he was completely rich of shit as they sprayed root beer on him.So you guys hunted vampires? Blue asked Lash. She had come back to the front with coffee for everyone just in time to hear Lash lay out the scenario for the Animals. Shed held off asking any questions u ntil now. A Fresh Frozen meat missile zipped down the aisle between them. Lash didnt even blink.Yep. We didnt kill him. We just blew up his boat and took his art. Thats where we got the money.Yeah, right, said Blue. I got that part. Its the vampire part Im not clear on. Like a real vampire. A real, blood-drinking, cant-go-out-in-the-day, live-forever vampire.We figured he had to be at least six hundred years old, troy weight lee(prenominal) added, joining in the conversation. Blue, you wanna skid the buzzard? He nodded to the end of the aisle, where Jeff was offering his spare Fresh Frozen turkey like a sacrifice.So you guys, who work in a grocery store, have seen a vampire?Two of them, Lash said. Our night-crew leader, Tommy, was living with one of them.She was hot, Troy Lee added. lamia hunters? Blue couldnt believe it.Well, not anymore, Lash said.Yeah, Troy Lee said. Clint says that Tommys a vampire now. Were not going to mess with him.Spawn of Satan Clint shouted from the en d of the aisle.Drew, who Blue had decided to think of as Doc, because he evermore carried the pot, ran down the aisle and shot-putted a twelve-pound self-basting at Clints head. Shut the fuck up Clint ducked and covered. The turkey went over the meat counter and stuck in the drywall by the windowpane at the back of the meat department. To Blue, Drew said, Sorry, couldnt be helped.Well, thats gonna take all night to patch, said Clint.Lash looked at Troy Lee. Could you kill him?On it, Troy Lee said, falling into a fighting stance, before taking off and chasing Clint around the corner. Prepare to die, White DevilSo, said Blue. You were saying?Well, Clint says Tommy is a vampire now, and we should go stake him out or something, but hes one of us, so weve decided to pursue a policy of Buddhistic tolerance.Just then Troy Lee dragged Clint back around the corner in a headlock. Despite being six inches shorter and forty pounds twinkle than Clint, hed studied martial arts since he was si x and that took size out of the equation.Should I hypnotize the chicken? Troy asked.Make it so, said Lash.Troy Lee adjusted his chokehold on Clint. The larger mans eyes dun out, his mouth moved like a gasping fish out of water, and he went limp in Troys arms, who then dropped him in the puddle of diet soda on the floor.Hell come around in a second or two. Lash leaned into Blue to explain. We used to call it choke the chicken, but that sounded kind of gayish.Of course, said Blue. That trick would come in handy in her work. Shed have to ask Troy Lee to teach it to her.And you think that your friend and this girl are really vampires.I suppose. Clint said he heard it from the Emperor, and he was the one that turned us on to the old vampire guy in the first place. Either way, theyre not our problem.What if I said they were? Blue said. Her mind was putting it together like a sewing implement on crack. It was insane, but for once she could see a future reaching out before her, welcoming her. What if I said I wanted you to go after them?Lash blinked at her like she was speaking Klingon. Huh? He looked at the other Animals, who had stopped bowling and moved into range of the conversation. They stood there with frosty gobblers steaming in their hands like they were on sop up duty for a group of headless infant snowmen.Flood is our friend, Lash said.I dont want you to kill him, Blue said. Just catch him.Lash looked to the others, who looked away at the floor, at the cabbage and lettuce counter, at the turnips, at their flash-frozen charges.Ill make it worth your while, Blue said.Jody lay on the bed observance Tommy turn slowly, back and forth in the air like a pale white-boy mobile. The loft had twenty-foot ceilings with open, industrial-style beams, and sometime during their lovemaking, they had both ended up dangling from them. Jody dropped to the bed after she came, but Tommy still hung by one hand. The pictorial side was that with the exception of the set of s hredded sheets upon which she lay, they had kept the destruction to a minimum. The downside well, she really could have gone a couple of lifetimes without seeing him from this angle.We did good, Jody said. just now anything broken.You think that monkeys really do it that way? Tommy replied.I always thought you were just using that as an expression. Shed thought she could remain detached lavish about their lovemaking to stay in control to enjoy it, but to use it, as it were but since Tommy had changed, it wasnt like that anymore. She lost herself in it, she didnt just make love with him, she fucked him like a crazed monkey girl. It was good, but disconcerting. She had liked being in control.You look amazing from this angle, Tommy said.You look like a man-shaped fluorescent lightbulb, Jody said, grinning at him, then noticing a change. Do not get wood, Thomas Flood. You will not get wood, do you hear me?You sound like my mom, Tommy said.Ewwwww, Jody said, shuddering and covering her eyes.Ewwwww, Tommy said, realizing what he had just said and about what and whom.He dropped to the bed and bounced. Sorry. Quick, put the self-tanning lotion on me, we only have a few minutes before sunup.Okay, but just the lotion.Right, go.Jody took the lotion and squirted some on her hands. Turn around, Ill get your back.But Just point that thing the other way, writer boy, you have had all the monkey love youre going to get tonight. She said it, but she didnt mean it shed go another round if he wanted, if they had time before sunrise. past she remembered.Did you say you found us a minion?Yeah, I did. Shes going to start tomorrow er, today. I gave her money to get us an apartment. Told her what we needed.Her?Yeah, you remember that girl we saw in the drugstore?Jody stopped rubbing, grabbed his shoulders, and spun him around. You gave our deposit money to a nine-year-old?Shes not nine. Shes sixteen.Still, Tommy. You trusted our secret to a sixteen-year-old girl?She already k new.Yes, because you let your fangs show like some doofus of the night. You could have explained that somehow, or better yet, never seen her again.Look, shes smart, and shell be loyal. I promise.You could have just gotten us killed.What would you have done? Huh? You have to trust someone.But a sixteen-year-old kid?Im only nineteen, and I was a great minion. Besides, she thinks Im her dark lord.Did you even tell her about me?Of course, she knows all about you. Knows that youre my sire thats what they call the vampire who made you. I even told her that you were older, that you had vast experience.Vast? Vast experience sounds like Im a slutty old divorcee. How old does she think I am?Five hundred.What?But you look great for five hundred. I mean, look, you got my attention. Do my front.Do your own front. She threw the lotion bottle at him and he snatched it out of the air.Love you, Tommy said, slathering self-tanning goo all over his face and chest.Im going to lock the bedroom door, Jo dy said as the alarm on their watches started beeping, signaling ten minutes before sunrise. Shed gotten the alarm watches for both of them, just in case. You didnt give her keys, did you?Not to the bedroom.Great. What if she finds William in the stairwell and stakes him out? You could have given our key to a Buffy wannabee This stuff is supposed to take like eight hours to work, so by sundown Ill be sexy bronze.Theres a bronze vampire in the living room. Why dont you go ask him how thats working out for him?Hes indifferent bronze, not sexy bronze like Ill be.Come to bed. And put on a T-shirt. I dont want a sexy bronze patch on the sheets, even if they are torn up.Tommy sniff-tested a half-dozen shirts, finally decided on one, climbed into bed, and was kissing Jody good morning when the sunrise put them out.